Back on The Net Dwellers, I took a look at a couple of books. One was I, Libertine, a book that was a bestseller even though it didn't really exist. The other was Atlanta Nights, a terrible book meant to hoax publishing company Publish America. Today, I'll end this trilogy of books with The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis, one of the worst fantasy books in history. This book is well known by Science Fiction and Fantasy authors, and not only did the author live in my home state, but the story was also originally published in a newsletter that circulated in my region. So I have a lot of interest in this story. Let's take a look about how bad this really is.
The Eye of Argon is about a barbarian name Grignr, pronouncing that name is beyond me, who travels to Gorzam for money and women. He gets stopped by some solders and they fight one of the few, but overly described and hilarious battles. Every time a battle comes up, I have to stop halfway and laugh due to some of the adjectives Jim Theis uses in this book. After that, that's the end of the chapter. It just talks about how he got ran out of his home land, and that's why he's going to Gorzam.
The next chapter takes place in Gorzam where Grignr finds a woman, fights a guard over her, then gets arrested for killing the guard. He then gets sent to work in the mines after sitting in a cell for a few days. I don't know why he wan't put in the mines right away, but it's not my dungeon.
Chapter three just has Grignr sitting in the cell. It's not too exiting in my opinion. Chapter three and a half, that's how it's labeled, portrays a bunch of shaman at some ritual with a woman, and she sees the titled Eye of Argon. I assume it's an eye shaped ruby though the book calls it a "fauceted scarlet emerald". Much like Atlanta Nights, The Eye of Argon has a lot of prose and a lot of typos. We're not told much about this Eye of Argon besides the fact that it can conquer empires. It doesn't explain how though, but I digress.
Chapter four arrives and Grignr gets attacked by a giant rat. The rat almost killed him too. This is another one of those funny battle scenes, mostly because of the thought of Grignr running around with a rat on his face. He eventually kills the rat, and he comes up with an idea of how to get out. Grignr is obviously smarter than I because I was lost at this point.
We jump back to the ritual in chapter five where things start to take a turn for the worse for the presumably leading lady. One of the shaman approach her, and she gives him a good kick to where it counts. The others immediately retaliate and swarm up against her.
Things now start heating up in chapter six. The solders move Grignr from the cell. He breaks free and kills both of them with the rat's pelvis. This is a little outlandish. I don't know how to skin a rat efficiently in a cell, let alone sharpen bone, or pelvis which is very round and dull. I guess Grignr can and that's all that matters. He steals the armor and axe from one of the solders and sneaks through the hallway.
The chapter continues as Grignir sets off a trap that somehow lets him go into the palace's mausoleum where under that, coincidentally, is where the ritual is taking place. He drops through the hole in the floor interrupting the ritual to defend the leading lady. One of the shaman has a seizure as Grignr knocks down every one else. He saves the leading lady named Carthena, who was also the woman at the tavern. She explains why she was at the tavern, but at this point nothing made since to me anymore. They head out with the Eye of Argon after this.
More story telling and escaping happens as the shaman that had the seizure gets up and starts following them. He quickly stopped by the trap that Grignr set off, making that part pointless and a little confusing. After Grignr and Carthena escape and see two nicely placed horses, Grignr looks into the Eye of Argon he swiped before, and it turns into a monstrous blob who starts sucking the blood out of him. He takes a torch to it and hopes for the best.
That is how it officially ends. Page 49 of the newsletter it was printed in was lost. It was said to be recovered in 2004, but some people don't think this is the true ending. Not wanting to end on a cliffhanger, I'll sum up the lost ending as well.
The torch causes the blob to turn into a large eye, then explodes. Grignr and Carthena get on the horses and ride into the sunset. The story finishes off with the words, "Long leave the king!" That is quite the ending I must say. That sums up The Eye of Argon. It's a pretty short story, but the story itself with all the typos, prose, and typewriter text on yellow paper just completes the whole experience of the story.
The Eye of Argon has a lot in common with Atlanta Nights. The difference, however, is while Atlanta Nights was a hoax and not to be taken seriously, The Eye of Argon was written by a real person who really tried, and really not that good at writing. Jim Theis was only sixteen when he wrote this, so it was a good attempt. Attempt is the key word there. He does end up getting a degree in journalism, so he must have gotten better.
The Eye of Argon is a really fun read. I recommend reading at least part of it. There's even a game on reading this book without laughing. Most people don't even finish the first page, but that's beside the point. This is another book that has to been seen. Now it's time for questions.
Is that what you think how The Eye of Argon ended?
Are there more fitting endings you can think of?
How would you sharpen a pelvis?
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